Ever since I learned I was going to be one, I’ve been thinking a lot about grandparents. My excitement over my grandchild in a few months is verging on obsession. My daughter and I have always been very close, and I am looking forward to the wonderful new things that will come to our relationship with the addition of her child and my grandbaby.
But over the years, I’ve been aware of many strained relationships between parents and the grandparents of their children. I have seen the birth of a new baby initiate conflict between that child’s parents and grandparents. An important blog could be written about how grandparents can be unhelpful and unwise as they relate to their children and grandchildren. But that is not what this blog is about. This blog is about how parents can be cruel, unloving, and unwise as they relate to their kid’s grandparents.
I have seen it many times over the years. Young couples get married, start having children, and create overly stringent standards that cruelly mistreat and needlessly isolate parents from the joy that should come with new additions to the family. These strict rules often come with good intentions, like prioritizing time with immediate family and making sure kids have healthy lifestyles. But over the years I have seen dozens of examples where needless hurt is introduced into relationships because of unwise and unkind decisions on the part of parents.
The command to honor your father and mother seems to get a little more complicated when you become a father or mother yourself (Exodus 20:12).
Here are three encouragements to help you honor your parents as you’re thinking through the relationship between your kids and their grandparents.
1. Include Them
On many occasions, I have seen young families seek to prioritize togetherness with their immediate family by needlessly excluding grandparents. I have talked to many crying grandparents who were not allowed to come to the hospital when their grandchild was born or who were not allowed to see their grandchild for weeks or months after delivery in order to provide the nuclear family “time to be together.” Others have not seen their grandchildren in years because parents never find the right time for a visit.
I know life can be busy and many grandparents can bring relational baggage and family drama when they come to visit. I also know it is needlessly painful to exclude people from your life who love you and your children simply because you exist. There is a very good word for the drama and complications that come with living life in difficult relationships. That word is family. It has been around since the dawn of time, and many more mature cultures than ours have emphasized the involvement of grandparents in the lives of young people, seeing the wisdom in allowing children to be near their older relatives, even when those relatives are imperfect.
Life can be busy, and relationships can be complicated. But you should never needlessly exclude your parents from the joy of being near your kids. Honor your parents by including them in the lives of their grandchildren. I promise, the kids will be fine.
2. Trust Them
It amazes me the number of adults who were brought up by parents through the grade-school and high-school years, who grew in wisdom, who learned a trade and got a career. They survived their own upbringing and know most of what they know because of what they learned from their parents. But now, as parents themselves, they now decide their own parents had no clue what they were doing.
Most of the time, your parents have a perspective you need to hear. It is right for you to honor them by listening, even if you ultimately disagree. Also, most of the time, the best and most devoted childcare you could ever get is from your parents. You should honor your parents by letting them care for your kids if they are able and willing.
You will do things differently than your parents did. That is fine. But they have earned your trust and listening ear. Listen to them. Trust them to care for their grandbabies. I promise, the kids will be fine.
3. Indulge Them
When our oldest son was just a toddler, we left him with one of his grandparents for the day. When we got back together that evening, we learned that a very doting grandparent had given him almost 30 cookies. There are plenty of families that are far stricter on sugar consumption than the Lamberts, but 30 cookies in one afternoon is insane. And you know what happened? Nothing! He was fine. He turns 19 this week, is walking with the Lord, works hard, attends college on a scholarship, and is as skinny as a mop handle.
The truth is that every halfway-decent grandparent gives their grandchildren way more sugar than any halfway-decent parent. It is also true that grandparents spend more money on dumb stuff for their grandkids than most parents spend on their utility bills. Grandparents love to spoil, and grandkids love to be spoiled. The system is working, and I can personally attest that there is no benefit to stealing the joy of this arrangement either from your kids or your parents.
So, honor your parents and let them indulge their grandkids a little. The kids will be fine.
Of Course, There Are Exceptions
I know there are exceptions to this. Some of us come from toxic backgrounds, and our parents are unwise, unhelpful, and unsafe in their interactions with our kids. This is a different, much more serious situation than what I am talking about here. Every parent must protect their kids from influences that are ultimately unsafe—even if that influence is in the parent’s own family. It is also the case that the best grandparents may need some parameters for how to best relate to their children and grandchildren.
But most of us have parents who just love our kids, want what is best for them, and desire to be included in their lives. In a world as cruel as this one, your kids are not at risk of having too many people love them. So, honor your parents, by including them when it is complicated, trusting when you do things differently, and letting them spoil their grandchildren a little.
I promise, the kids will be fine.